Pursuant to this, here's the second in an already tiresome two-part series. This bit was actually rejected out of a larger bit that was itself accepted. I suggest you read the full version before consuming the apocrypha below, which I believe they wanted taken out because it was "too gross."
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SUBJECT: Lisa T.
Top floor. Frequently has friends over, and they all sit on her balcony and chain-smoke. Most of their cigarette butts are tossed into the courtyard below, to land outside my apartment. Some even land on my porch.
Q: Hi there. Lisa, right?
A: Yeah, hi.
Q: Top floor?
A: That’s me. You’re …
Q: Chris. I’m right here, on the ground floor.
A: Right, right.
Q: You smoke Camel Lights?
A: … Yeah, I do. How’d you know.
Q: I’ve seen a lot of your butts around. In the courtyard. And last night I just happened to be looking out my window when one landed on my porch.
A: Oh, uh, I’m sorry about that. I had some friends over, and they …
Q: No, don’t worry about it. It actually reminded me of something I’ve been meaning to mention since you moved in. You see that downspout that goes past your balcony?
A: That one right there? Yes.
Q: Have you noticed that it tends to overflow when it rains?
A: I did notice that. It made a big puddle on my balcony.
Q: Right. That’s because it’s full of condoms.
A: What?
Q: Used condoms. The landlord has this thing, I guess it’s sort of kinky, but he likes to go up the roof with his girlfriend and have sex late at night.
A: You’re kidding!
Q: Absolutely not. Don’t worry, they’re really quiet. Decent. But he always chucks his used condoms into the drainpipe, and I guess they’ve just sort of choked it up.
A: Oh my God.
Q: Anyway, he’s usually pretty good about this, but sometimes, you know, in the afterglow, a little sleepy … he won’t get them exactly in the gutter, so … well, you understand?
A: What?
Q: So you might find one of his condoms on your balcony, or hanging off the edge of the gutter.
A: Gross. That is so gross.
Q: Yeah, it freaked out the guy who used to have your apartment, so he moved out. But you know what?
A: What? What?
Q: If that happens, just kick the condom off your balcony or knock it down here. I’ll just sweep it up. Along with those cigarette butts of yours.
